


Every Time You Come, You Leave Me Blue

by cupcakefingers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Ballroom Dancing, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes is good with Kids, Disabled Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Pining, Touch-Starved, Unrequited Love, buckynat if you squint, steve rogers is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-12-27 02:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21111422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupcakefingers/pseuds/cupcakefingers
Summary: There were times when Steve led him through the palace’s corridors and he would casually place his hand on the small of Bucky’s back. Pushing lightly and guiding, and making Bucky melt with tingling he felt under this hand. Though he never did that when there were other people around them. Like Steve didn’t want anyone else to see.Yes, Bucky was extremely touch-starved.





	Every Time You Come, You Leave Me Blue

Bucky evened his breath, trying to be as quiet as possible. He moved swiftly through the branches, trying to make little to no sound. His prey would flee on the smallest sign of him. His bare feet were swimming in tall wild grass that perfectly muffled every step and the beautiful songs of local birds, mixed with leaves moving on the wind, were drowning the sound of his hunt.

  
He stalked his prey. Closer. Just a little bit closer...

  
He jumped out of his hiding, letting out a powerful roar and launched forward, trying to tackle the weakest one of the herd.

  
The children screamed and started running in every direction, their squeaks quickly turning into laughter, as they managed to escape. All of them but one. Bucky grinned with triumph and stood up. Grabbed the small girl by her ankle, then raised her high in the air, upside down, like a trophy. She struggled, giggling, shouting at him in her language.

  
“Got a squirrel for my dinner, now I just need to put her in my pot an' cook!” he yelled, then tossed her up to quickly change his grip, so he could carefully swing her small body around, like on a carousel. She spread her thin arms and laughed, eyes shut tightly.

  
“I can see you’re having fun.” He heard an amused voice that belonged to Princess Shuri, who came out of the forest.

  
Bucky smiled at her, tossed the child again, chuckling at her squeak, then moved his arm to delicately put her on the ground. The girl quickly got up and run to the princess, clutching -and partially hiding- at her skirt, smiling and giggling all the time. He approached and noticed just then that both of the girls had small blue flowers woven into their hair. He saw those growing on the meadow, just where the forest was beginning. They had long thin stalks peppered with tiny buds, similar to lilies of the valley and now those blue buds were decorating their dark hair.

  
He shrugged. “Just tryin’ to relax, get some rest from all the farmwork.”

  
“I hope the children are not bothering you too much,” Shuri said with a cocky smile and raised eyebrows.

  
“No, not at all,” he laughed, then continued in a small voice, “They’re actually helping me a lot.”

  
Shuri’s face warmed. “I am really glad to hear that,” she said, “Guess who’s coming to visit you.”

  
An almost electric shock hit the lower part of his spine, straightening his back and tensing his muscles. He let out a calming breath.

  
“When?”

  
“In the evening. Romanoff said they will land at 7 pm and if _she_ said that, they will be here exactly at this time. You can wash yourself properly at the palace, we have a room prepared for you.” Shuri took the small girl’s hand and walked away with her, knowing to leave Bucky to his thoughts.

  
He’s honestly happy to see Natalia, they got really close to each other and had a habit of staying together late at night, talking about everything. Last time they met, Bucky really opened up about his time as the Winter Soldier. She hasn't remembered that on one occasion when she was young, he trained her and other Black Widows in the Red Room. The girls were around 14 years old and passed their “training” if they managed to hurt the Winter Soldier in any way. Out of 30 children, only 4 passed. Natalia Romanova had the quickest time of 3 minutes and 23 seconds, she managed to scratch his cheek and drew a bit of blood. Bucky was electrocuted for every time a girl managed to hurt him. When he told her that, Natalia cried.

  
Bucky apologized for giving her that bullet wound during his time as the Winter Soldier and admitted that he didn’t remember doing that specifically to her. He remembered killing this target, which weapon he used and that he shot the man through another person, but couldn’t recall that it was Natalia. She showed him the scar on her hip and he cried.

  
Their night talks were very cathartic to both of them.

  
He weirdly liked Sam’s company. They had this antagonistic dynamic where they annoyed the hell out of each other but it seemed that at the same time, they both enjoyed their snarky comments and wordless competition in the gym. Sam would almost always lose because he wasn’t a super soldier, and that one time he actually ‘won’ was because Bucky didn’t have one entire arm.

  
Speaking of that arm… He’s kinda glad Stark blew it off. It was always itching. So bad he would take a knife and scratch at the plates, sometimes the blade would slip and hurt his skin. His metal fingers were restless, often curling into a death grip without his knowledge. He had phantom pains in the place where his elbow would be, where it was ripped off the first time when he fell off that train in Austria. 

  
The process of losing his prosthesis was the worst pain he ever felt. Getting electrocuted, getting ‘wiped’ hurt a lot, sure, but it was a completely different kind of pain. Falling off that train? He lost his forearm _after_ he lost consciousness and then kept blacking out. But this? He was pumped with adrenaline, but it still felt like Stark dipped his open nerve endings in fresh lava. He had sensors on every metal plate, every quarter of an inch from each other. He could feel temperature, softness, texture. So yeah, getting all of those sensors molten really hurt. But he was glad he got rid of that arm, even if now he had to get used to using only one.

  
Wanda was a sweetheart, though at one point she started to avoid Bucky. He caught her staring one evening and noticed she had tears in her eyes. She quickly fled and locked herself in her room, later Bucky could hear muffled sobbing. He thought Wanda might have read his mind, his memories, which made her ‘empathy powers’ overload. Steve agreed and said she might have done that by accident.

  
Steve… With Steve, it was at the same time fantastic and incredibly weird. In theory, Rogers lived here, in Wakanda, but in reality, he was flying around the globe, helping ordinary people and saving the world on a small scale, incognito. He would come back once a month or two and Bucky would lose his mind every single time. He would take time to make himself look good, so he could see how Steve looks at him. With that fire, that passion that… was never manifested. Not in a clear view, not for everyone to see. Bucky would only see this fire in Steve’s eyes. And maybe when they touch. When they hug, and Steve scratches this one place on his back, just under his right shoulder blade, when it makes Bucky’s spine shoot with pleasure and bend into Steve’s chest. When this feeling punches the air out of his lungs and Rogers lets out a low purr. Everything happens so quickly and quietly, no one else notices. 

  
There were times when Steve led him through the palace’s corridors and he would _ casually _place his hand on the small of Bucky’s back. Pushing lightly and guiding, and making Bucky melt with tingling he felt under this hand. Though he never did that when there were other people around them. Like Steve didn’t want anyone else to see.

  
Yes, Bucky was extremely touch-starved.

  
One time they all sat at the table to eat dinner. Steve moved his chair really close to his own and the sides of their thighs were touching, from hip to knee. The dinner lasted for 2 hours and this whole time Bucky thought he was losing his mind because the only thing he could focus on was that stripe of contact. Even through two layers of clothing, Steve’s warmth was burning his skin. There was a moment when Rogers put his hands on his legs and rubbed circles while talking to Natalia. His pinky finger was lightly stroking Bucky’s thigh, he had no idea if it was on purpose or by accident but he wanted to fucking scream.

  
Steve always left him like that. Frustrated and craving for more. And that other feeling, that he couldn’t specify, even though he felt it every time.

  
Bucky returned to his hut and started packing his ‘smart clothes’ and personal things into a backpack. He packed underwear, a pair of slim jeans that hung low on his hips -a present from Natalia- and a shirt he never wore.

  
That shirt was the first thing since the 40’s he bought just because he liked it. Just because he saw it in the store’s window in Birnin Zana and thought ‘_I love it, I want it_’. He got something like an allowance from the palace because Shuri was worried he wouldn’t be able to feed himself properly despite living on a farm. Bucky found it adorable that the wakandan princess took care of him like he was her younger brother, despite physically being 17 years older than her.

  
The shirt was from a stiff material that at the same time felt incredibly silky. The threads were black but turned silver when the light hit them just right and there was a beautiful white swirly pattern around the collar and cuffs. The collar itself was in wakandan fashion- a widely spread cut on the shoulders, with a slit on the front, going a couple of inches down. It showed the skin only from certain angles.

  
There was only one downside to that beautiful shirt. The left sleeve. The existence of it. If he'd have his prosthetic, it wouldn’t be a problem, but right now having that sleeve was incredibly uncomfortable. He tried to fold it and fasten with a clip, but the material was too stubborn and he lacked patience with clothes. Then he tried to sew it down, emphasis on ‘tried’, because that was the first time he used a combination of his flesh arm and feet, but that resulted only in small puncture holes in both the fabric and his toes.

  
He heard light footsteps. Light but bold. A quickened breath, like someone just stopped running. The inhales were short. Small lungs, small feet, light weight. A child.

  
“Are you sure you want to wear that one?” A feminine voice.

  
“Yes?” Bucky more asked than said and smiled, facing her.

  
“You want to try that again, Bucky?” she teased, shining her teeth in response.

  
“Guess I don’t have much choice, other than that shirt, Nazou,” he chuckled.

  
Nazou was around twelve and was the most curious kid in the whole world. Bucky wasn’t surprised since Wakanda was pretty much isolated for many years and T’Challa has just started fixing it. Nazou was fascinated by the English language, the american history, and european art and cultures. She often visited Bucky just to bother him and ask a ton of questions, sometimes helping with chores he struggled with. She also had those blue flowers in her spongy hair.

  
“My Ma taught me to sew last week, I can try to help you with arm.” She insisted on communicating only in English even if he knew Xhosa and started calling her mother ‘Ma’ because she heard that’s how Bucky called his.

  
He gave her an amused look. “Sure, but if you destroy it, you’re buyin’ it back.”

  
Bucky gave her a very basic sewing kit he kept around, sat down and watched her work. Nazou must have been a genius because watching her was entrancing. She swiftly folded the sleeve to make a pressed package that wouldn’t be obvious from outsider’s view and secured it with closely put even seams. The whole thing took her less than 10 minutes. He didn’t have a mirror, so he just slipped it on and smiled when Nazou gave him a proud grin. He thanked her.

  
“No problem. When did you wash your hair?” She asked.

  
“This morning, why?”

  
“Want me to help you with hair?”

  
He nodded after a beat. His hair got so long he needed to put it up most of the time, and trying to do that with one arm gave him 1:10 chances of success. They sat on the ground, after changing his shirt, and she brushed him, then put his hair up into a bun high on the back of his head. Bucky noticed she took more time than usually. She moved to face him and started pulling on strands ‘for a better effect’, while he complained.

  
“Stop being grumpy old man... Now go be pretty for your boyfriend!” She giggled and run out before Bucky could yell at her. He knew it was fucking stupid, getting dolled up for Steve. He couldn’t resist.

  
He took the clothes he prepared and called a car to pick him up. Wakanda was an amazing place, but centuries of living in isolation made its people pretty xenophobic, especially people from the countryside. He didn’t want to risk another incident by taking public transport, last time some people accosted him on the street, which triggered an episode. Not fun.

  
He was taken into the palace and guided to the guest room, which was basically a 5-star hotel, especially compared to Bucky's hut. He left his things and went to the bathroom to wash and shave. Bucky needed help with trimming his beard, cause every time he tried it himself, he ended up with at least three serious cuts, and right then, he wasn’t really up to seeing anyone. Shaving completely was easier and faster.

  
After getting out of the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t see much of the bun but the front looked good, so he was happy with that. Bucky brushed his teeth, carefully balancing toothpaste so the toothbrush wouldn't fall to the side and make a mess. Then he took a tube of shaving cream, squeezed out a solid amount of paste into the porcelain stand, similar to a soap dish, then started ‘whipping’ it with a stiff brush. Shortly after, the paste turned into a heavy mousse that smelled like blueberries. Bucky spread the white foam on his face and started shaving.

  
“God, I love this century,” he murmured to himself, seeing how smoothly it went.

  
When Bucky was done, he took a small towel, got it we under hot water to wipe the rest of the foam. To his left, there was a tray filled with bottles.

  
“Okay, Shuri, I don’t know whether to kiss you or kill you.” He took the first bottle from the right.

  
Moisturizer. Well, in the military they had only petroleum jelly, this can’t be worse. Bucky took three pumps and smelled- it had a nice, neutral soapy fragrance. He started spreading it on his whole face and quickly regretted taking three pumps. In the end, not only his face was deeply moisturized, but also his neck and the upper half of his chest.

  
“Well, that went… not awful.” He reached for the next bottle and groaned. Aftershave. Which he thinks was supposed to go before the previous bottle. 

  
“Fuck it,” he said and got out _ a little bit _ of blue cream, before massaging it into his shadow. Even if he shaved clean, he always had a slight shadow and wow, now it felt amazingly soft and delicate. He was also so thankful to Shuri for making sure every product had a pump.

  
When he reached for the next bottle and realized it’s a self-tanner, he decided to discard the rest of the tray and leave the bathroom.

  
He dressed up and smiled at the great job Nazou did with his left sleeve. The seam was perfectly hidden and didn’t irritate his shoulder. After taking his shoes on, he noticed three bottles on the shelf near the entrance door, which looked like perfumes.

  
The first one from the right had a big square-ish bottle in a mix of green and blue. Bucky sprayed it away from himself and smelled the air. Smelled minty, sweet and like a cheap nightclub or rather how Bucky imagined a cheap nightclub would smell like, so booze and desperation. Pass.

  
Next one had a big black bottle with something that resembled layers of wire carved from the glass. This one punched him in the face so hard, he physically recoiled. It was incredibly strong, and masculine with capital M. It smelled like tobacco, whiskey, and leather. Too strong, besides, he’s not a fan of tobacco.

  
The last one looked so delicate it might have passed as a fragrance for women. The bottle was simple but elegant- just a square with equal amounts of glass and matte plastic, and the smell? Bucky groaned with pleasure. The first hit- cherries, cherries, cherries. Then smoke, burning wood and more cherries.

  
“That’s a winner,” he whispered and sprayed himself generously before heading out.

  
There was another surprise waiting for him, just outside of his doors. The surprise managed to knock exactly once, at the same time as Bucky opened the door and stood right in front of one Steve Rogers.

  
They both stared at each other for a heartbeat, until Steve let out a laughing huff. His breath reached Bucky’s face and he could feel himself slipping again because it wasn’t fair that Steve’s breath smelled better than the perfume he chose. Steve greeted him, pulling into their traditional hug, where he scratched the sweet spot on Bucky’s back and Bucky tried not to start grinding his whole body on Steve’s.

  
Rogers took a step back, but his hands haven’t left Bucky, he moved them to his sides. “Wow, you look great, Buck!” Steve smiled and his fingers dug into the skin above Bucky’s hip bones. It was dizzying like he was drunk. “And you smell fantastic.”

  
And Steve looked fantastic. He let his hair grew a bit longer and combed it to the back, which looked amazing with the full-on beard he was rocking. It was obviously nicely trimmed, but Bucky has never seen Steve look like that. He wore a white button-up that was unbuttoned at the top, it looked like it was a size too small. Bucky licked his lips.

  
“Thanks, you look good too,” he said in a hoarse voice and Steve smiled at him beautifully. “Let’s go, others are probably waitin’ for us.”

  
Bucky wanted to kill Steve. He wanted to kill him for making him feel that way, for being the only person (almost, there was also Natalia) who can touch him for longer than 10 seconds, and most importantly, for putting his big hand on the small of his back and guiding him to the rest of the group, despite knowing that Bucky remembers the way.

  
“_Сержант! _” A woman yelled and Bucky’s face lightened up when she ran up and pulled him into a murderously tight hug.

  
“_Наталья,_” he said softly, throwing the arm around Romanova's waist, then patting her back, when the hug became twitchy for him. She let him go and they kissed their cheeks- left, right and left again.

  
“_Рада тебя видеть, ты прекрасно выглядишь! _” she chirped, and apparently everyone collectively decided to wear their good clothes today, because she rocked an elegant black strappy dress and a pair of impossibly high heels, which made her almost Bucky's height. Natalia looked healthy and happy, and he was really glad to see that. She changed her hair color to blond, but left the slightly curly waves, longer than the last time they’ve seen each other.

  
“_Спасибо. Мне нравится этот новый цвет._” He nodded towards her hair and she sent him a beaming smile, and there were crinkles showing around her eyes, which made his heart melt because she almost never allowed herself to be happy.

  
Natalia grabbed his hand and started walking. It was a short walk, but Bucky felt someone staring. He looked back and Steve's face was blank, then his eyes met Bucky's. Corners of his mouth lifted half an inch, then returned to being neutral. She took them to the dining room, where he greeted Sam and T’Challa. Wanda showed up with Vision in his human form, then Shuri came with food, and Bucky noticed she took the blue flowers out of her hair.

  
The food was amazing, as always, and it disappeared pretty quickly. T’Challa asked the serving-men for second helpings while joking that sitting two super-soldiers next to the same pile of food wasn’t the best idea.

  
He caught Steve looking at his hair with an amused expression, but when asked about it, he said it was nothing and put his hand on Bucky’s thigh with a loud slap. That sent a shock of electricity through him and Bucky just knew he, again, got that glassy-eyed look. Steve smiled, looking content, his hand going up and down, squeezing lightly at the hard muscles. Then he took his hand off, and Bucky let out a sigh of relief because one second more of that and he would’ve whined out loud. Fortunately, Natalia came to the rescue, grabbing his hand and chatting him up. At one point, she switched to Russian.

  
“_What was that about? _” She nodded towards Steve.

  
“_What? _”

  
“_Petting your leg and you almost fainting? _”

  
He considered lying but quickly changed his mind, since she would know anyway.

  
“_You noticed..._”

  
“_Hard not to. I’m asking again- what was that about?_ ” She raised her eyebrows when he frowned.

  
“_I don’t know. Steve always does that and I always react like that. He’s really smart, but I don’t know if he’s also that stupid-_”

  
“_He’s not._” Bucky sent her a questioning look. “_He seems to enjoy your reactions._”

  
“_You don’t know if that’s a good thing, huh? _” Natalia more said than asked when Bucky fell silent. After not getting a response, she asked, “_Do you love him? _”

  
He winced. “_I don’t like that word, it feels weird describing it like that, especially with Steve._”

  
She nodded and squeezed his hand between her slim fingers. “_Okay. Do you want to be with him? _”

  
“_Yes_.”

  
“_Do you want him to touch you like that?_ ”

  
“_Yes_,” he responded after a beat.

  
“_Do you want him to touch you more than that?_ ”

  
He sighed, “_Natalia_-”

  
“_Do you?_ ” she pushed.

  
“_... Yes._”

  
“_Do you want him to kiss you?_ ” Bucky closed his eyes, fingers scraping at the tablecloth. “_That’s a yes. You should tell him how you feel, handsome._”

  
He did, but she couldn't have known that. Only he and Steve knew. She took her hand off.

  
“_You’re drunk, Natalia._”

  
“_I’m not. But I will be._” She smiled, getting a hip-flask from her purse. “_And you’re getting drunk with me._” She reached to the tray of drinkware and put before them two shot glasses.

  
Later that evening, after chugging the whole glass of wine she filled to the brim, she marched to the speakers and started changing the music. Everyone was relaxed from overeating- top buttons opened and ties loosened up.

  
The sound of bubbles filled the room, then one that made Bucky think of the 90s. When the first cord of the guitar hit, he groaned, a smile showing up against his will. Everyone looked at Natalia, who clicked her heels to the rhythm and swayed hips. When the vocalist started singing, she sang with her- in short, and fast Russian verses. She looked Bucky straight in the eyes and smiled devilishly.

  
“Oh no, no way.” He shook his head, as she danced closer and closer.

  
“_И вот уже темно, и мы- _ Come on, Barnes, you know this song!” She took his hand and pulled him up to his feet, while the rest of the table cheered and laughed.

  
Of course Bucky knew that song, it was the first song he listened to after becoming the Winter Soldier. Not heard, but truly listened to. He told Natalia about the only time he managed to escape Hydra before 2014. It was in 1997, after finishing a 2-weeks long stake-out mission, where he was all alone and had a lot of time to think, which apparently isn't good for you when you're a brainwashed assassin. He stole clothes and money from his target and instead of returning to his... owners, because there wasn't really a better word for that, he managed to escape to Moscow, staying in hiding for 18 days.

  
The first thing he remembered doing, was going to a cheap canteen and getting okroshka. That soup was the first real food he tasted since Austria, because of Hydra having him tube-fed. He obviously didn't make it thought half the portion and threw everything up. Bucky's pretty sure he spent 1/3 of his freedom in the bathroom since his stomach couldn't digest properly but still tried eating normal food. Made him feel human.

  
The second thing he remembered, was finding a sort-of-a-nightclub in the basement of a restaurant. He remembered a song starting and having a conscious decision to listen to it. The music filled his body, it was so loud he could feel the rhythm thudding in his chest. The lyrics made Bucky miss someone, he wasn't sure who, but he knew there was someone important and he missed them. He remembered almost crying. It was this song.

  
They moved away from the table and Natalia started singing again, looking at Bucky expectantly. He huffed out a laugh and joined her. Maybe his time at Hydra made him forget most of his past, but he was always a great dancer and muscle memory made sure he still was. They started in something that resembled twist, but then Natalia grabbed his hand and put her other one on Bucky’s shoulder, part-metal and part-flesh, and swayed with him, full of life and vigor.

  
At first, he felt uncomfortable, not being able to grab her waist and make a proper dancing pose, but Natalia was so -drunkenly- bold with her moves, that he quickly forgot about this issue and twirled her to the beat. At one moment, she tried twirling him and more or less failed, but when he faced her, Natalia had a surprised expression, similar in amusement to the one Steve gave him earlier. Bucky sent her a questioning look, but then he felt a shiver and his eyes went up, above Romanova’s bouncing locks. Steve looked at him. But not like the rest, he _ looked _at him. Like he was pissed, like he wanted to take him away from Natalia. He looked like he was almost jealous.

  
A dick move, but it made Bucky feel good, so he decided to follow that lead and put even more heart into dancing with the Widow. He twirled her twice and pulled in a way she’d lean back on his hand, her leg launching high in the air. He pushed her up and immediately tugged on her wrist, so she would be pulled back to him. Their bodies slammed into each other. She burst with laughter and threw her arm around his waist, before drawing away and getting back to the twist with the next beat.

  
When the song ended, Natalia took his hand, tried standing on her toes and twirled Bucky, before lowering herself and planting a kiss on his palm, winking. The next song started playing as she turned to Sam and started dancing, and lip-syncing, pointing at him with a finger. Bucky realized Natalia found another prey and quickly took the opportunity to bail. He returned to his plate and drank the rest of his wine, before pocketing his phone and setting the chair closer to the table.

  
“Hey, where are you going?” Steve chatted up.

  
Bucky huffed a laugh. “I think I had enough… fun per evening, so I’m gonna go back to my room.”

  
“Can I go with you?” he asked, and Bucky felt goosebumps on his forearm, “You know, don’t wanna be the next victim,” Steve nodded towards Natalia dancing with Wilson. On the other side of the table, Wanda tried to pull Vision to join them.

  
“I mean, yeah, sure, why not,” Bucky said, smiling weakly.

  
While they were walking back, Steve threw an arm over his shoulders. Then his hand retreated and started squeezing, massaging the muscle near his neck. Bucky could feel the heat pooling deep in his stomach and bit his lips, trying no to let out any sound. _Fuck_, he was so touch-starved it was downright embarrassing. Even though Steve was being completely friendly and his touch wasn’t in any way sexual.

  
But then Steve’s palm moved lower, his fingers dug into the muscles on his back. And even lower, and to the right, and Steve grabbed his hip, and didn’t let go- no, he pulled him closer to his side, and Bucky thought he saw the stars. One of Steve's fingertips touched the place between pants and his shirt, a small patch of bare skin, and the feeling made Bucky shiver. Like a constant tingle spreading throughout his body.

  
They got inside, but Steve still didn’t let go. Instead, he turned slightly and raised his other hand to cup Bucky’s face.

  
“You on that dance floor- that was really amazing, Buck.” Steve smiled, thumb caressing his cheek, the continued in an upbeat tone. “Almost felt jealous of Natasha.”

  
The heat in his belly turned into starry whiteness, before moving down to his groin, having him clench muscles. Bucky licked his lips and looked at Steve’s. He moved forward without thinking and left a butterfly kiss on his mouth, just barely there. His cheeks were burning, but as soon as he lifted his gaze to meet Steve’s, all of the blood left his face. Steve wasn’t happy. He looked shocked, confused and a little bit… Bucky couldn’t even think of that word. Steve used it once to describe something similar, and it made Bucky ill.

  
He made a move to pull off, to get away as far as he could, but Steve’s hands stopped him, fingers dug into his skin, but other than that- Steve didn’t do anything.

  
“Stop it!” Bucky batted his hand and pushed him away.

  
“Buck-”

  
“You have no idea what you’re doin’ to me,” he panted, feeling tears well up.

  
Steve’s breathing became heavy. “Actually, I think I do.”

  
“Then what the fuck do you want from me?!” Bucky yelled, making Steve flinch. “Why all the touching? Why do you keep doing this? What do you want?”

  
Steve’s gaze fell to the floor. “I’m not sure.”

  
Bucky burst into a laugh that seemed somewhat maniacal. “Oh, really? You don’t know.” He spread his arm and looked reprovingly. “Unbelievable. You wanna fuck me?”

  
Steve flinched again, this time for a different reason, and it made Bucky want to sob. “No! I mean-No, Buck, that’s not- You know that I don’t...” He stopped and Bucky’s arm fell.

  
“Yeah, I know. You made that pretty clear back then.” Bucky’s voice was bitter and there was something heavy in the throat, he had difficulties breathing.

  
“Listen, I- Maybe it’s because you’re the only person, the only thing that brings me home,” Steve continued.

  
“That brings you _home_?”

  
“Yeah. Like, when I’m close to you, I- I have a point to- I have something that’s familiar, that’s making me feel like the old days. And when I touch you? Bucky, you’re alive. And I can see that, I can feel that. You remind me of home, of my time. Of our time.”

  
“So what, I’m your mobile time machine? That's a weak-ass fucking excuse. You feel that I’m alive and you magically go back in your brain? To the ’40s? To the war, to… to Peggy?” Steve’s expression hardened but he didn’t deny it. “Get out of my room.”

  
“Buck, please, just let me stay, we can figure it out! Remember what you said? _I’m with you till’_-”

  
“Don’t you fucking say that!” He yelled furiously, but his shot of anger quickly vanished when the weight in his throat won and he choked. His vision blurred and he whispered, “You know goddamn well what I meant by that.”

  
Steve looked like he had no idea what to do, on one hand, he wanted to hug Bucky, caress his hair and let him cry his emotions out, but on the other... Bucky would push him away. He had the audacity to make his sad-dog eyes. “I know. You told me back then. But Buck-”

  
“You-” he started, his words dying in short sobs, “You make me sad, Steve.”

  
Bucky sat down on the couch and hid eyes behind his palm. In this moment he really wished he'd still have his metal arm just so he could punch something. Or someone. Tears rolled down his cheeks silently, wetting the stiff material of his shirt. He couldn’t hear anything over his heart’s thumping and couldn’t see Steve leave the room.

  
Now he got it. It's blue. That’s how he felt. Sad. Yearning. Bitter. Maybe angry. And blue, like the flowers Nazou put in his hair.

**Author's Note:**

> The song mentioned during the dancing scene is Настя - Голоса  
Pleaaase tell me if I messed up any Russian parts!


End file.
